Funny as a Kid Fight

on Friday, March 9, 2012

Is this comic sans font in the opening title screen? My mom just lost her shit over this movie.  She was devastated, how could the kid from Home Alone and Uncle Buck do this she would say every time the commercial came on.  Distraught is the right word I think.  Macauley Culkin, fucking hack, ruined a lot of the good years in my mom.  She was a more bitter woman from that day forward.  How messed up is it that David Spade called his life on the weekend update, that he was going to grow up a loser looking like him.  Crazy. 

And the bitch thing about it was they made it out to be the most heart warming movie ever at first in the trailer like these 2 buddies then boom, it I dropped you from that tree house dude.  Do you think you can fly, that is fucked up.  Cool, he smokes too.  Of course, the shitty kid smokes.

Doc's New Time Machine

on Sunday, March 4, 2012

Uh, hey doc, you wanted to destroy the machine.  Aaah where you going dude? How did him creating Jules and Verne not destroy the universe?  These are two kids who should have never existed in any continuum.  Now they will change everything in the time line until it implodes.  What happens when two people separated by 150 years of birth have a child, let a lone two?  They may very well be mutants.  This is an entirely new genetic line in existence.   

Diet Coke Wants You To Know, Without Them There Are No Movies

on Monday, February 27, 2012



so don't let it freeze.

Mission Accomplished!

on Sunday, February 26, 2012

 (Not really but that's the best part of the rejected James Bonded footage)

I saw this opening weekend so it's been awhile, and I'll try to piece together what I remember.  But just seeing them do those scenes at the oscars brought all these emotions back finally.  But honestly, think of one thing that was in this movie that wasn't already done in James Bond, and I've never even seen a James Bond movie.  This probably was a script called James Bond:  Ghost Protocol.  Just take out Ethan Hunt and put in Ethan Cunt and you're gold. 

Oh cool it is the guy from lost.

That prison scene really threw me for a loop.  Since when did the IMF turn into the asshole patrol.  You know the whole 0 body kill thing. They just let all the prisoners loose in this prison. Prison guards with families aren't going to die? The prisoners are just going to give them indian burns and noogies. Because those work out so well in real life anyway. When Tom Cruise goes back in I thought that is what he is going to do something about it.  That he realized hey wait a minute those are a lot of bad people I just let out of their cages that they have been tormented behind for crimes that they most definitely committed for the majority, but instead he breaks out a guy just so he can get in contact with a black market arms dealer that has sold soviet nuclear satellites to powerful people in India who give up secret codes very easily. These are all such great people that are working together.

I thought they missed a good chance in the beginning that he was really a double agent.  When they are in that van and Tom Cruise says to skip this one test that the chick is doing to verify it is his him since they seem to run into a lot of those over the last 3 movies.  The test is there for a reason, and he says to skip it??  They could have had a back and forth.  Like I'm supposed to do this, and he constantly refuses and it gets a little dark.  Like is he a fake agent.  Maybe this explains why he let all those murderers murder prison guards and probably later cops and school children.  Or he could be ethan, he is just pushing her to follow protocol, he is trying to teach her that she needs to follow protocol (even though it may be a ghost).  Perfecly fine Ethan Hunt characteristic.  

I had no idea what was going on, who was the bad guy for awhile.  He was only up on video screens the first few times I think.  They were trying to get nuclear codes that a guy on a train was carrying.  They call out that Major Russian guy at his desk just doing his job when he asked to see ID.  No I'm general such and such, you should know who I am.  Even though they are not wearing masks as Tom Cruise decides to point out, but it would make too much sense to have masks to break into the Kremlin, wouldn't it?  Instead they use a fake screen a la Toys to break in?  Apparently it's the only secure door that the security guard protecting it would have to go around his desk and run 25 yards to protect. It's one guy at a desk, take him out.  They'll except that, this just makes him look incompetent.  Don't worry he, and that guy guarding the gate or metal detector are probably dead after their entire building exploded anyway.  Speaking of that, with the soldiers at the Kremlin, he hears over his communication com that there is a detonator about to blow something up big but then he makes these soldiers close this door trapping them in before he runs out.  You could have told everyone to start running, like it was a drill for them.  Soldiers go running all the time. And oh yeah, the Kremlin?  All these Soviet looking soldiers doing marches with Russian chants over the score, not meant to seem Socviet at all, and I've never heard of that in a James Bond movie either. 

I liked Simon Pegg in the last one, it worked well for that situation, in that amount of time he was in it.  Now we are supposed to believe that he went from a career doing that gizmo stuff at home base to just jumping to be some kind of field agent?  Which I would think you would need a near lifetime of military training to even think about what he ends up doing, but he says he passed some test fairly recently, so they give him the missions that involve the nuclear codes right away.  There aren't some girls in Japan that have been kidnapped by a renegade shogun warrior that he could stop first, something with not a lot of potential to destroy the world.  

That whole switcheroo in dubai was looney tunes.  Why wouldn't that code guy just lie?  Isn't that a more noble thing to do, uh sacrifice myself so a nut doesn't get access to nuclear weapons, nope I'm going to try to save my ass and my family.  They always make him out to be such a great character but that's just asinine.  YOu have an opportunity to stop a made man and you decide to give him the codes even though you know you are mostly likely dead anyway.  Millions of people are going to die, so you can probably leave your wife in 10 years and your kids will grow up to hate you anyway.  Then the IMF comes up with this ingenious plan to switch the rooms completely around so make each of them think they are in a room with the other person but they are in a room with an agent because they are following the slim chance that they never met.  Let them get in the same room and gas the fuck out of them, steal some gas from somewhere.  Gas the room, knock them out and interrogate them.  You kidnapped PSH in broad daylight at a crowded party in the Vatican, but you couldn't handle a few people in private rooms.  Honestly they don't encounter anyone else in this seemingly very busy hotel when they are running around the halls and pulling shenanigans on the elevator.  Not even in the supposedly secure room warehousing the hotels networking security.  Create a vacuum and blow the windows out so it looks like an accident.

So the main bad guy, wore a face mask of his bodyguard to this meeting?  That assassin chick was weak, she had nice floppy boobs though.  Sawyer from lost has these contact lenses in that allow him to identify people right in his eye, but then 10 minutes later it has to send the recognition to his phone, it couldn't have pulled up in his eye that this hot blonde walking alone in an alley might be an assassin? 

The whole year was, oh wait until you see the car, you gotta see the car, it was onscreen for 30 seconds and most of the time it was just doing map quest on the dashboard.  That's it?  It still gets stuck in traffic, you got dominated by a herd of goats.  What happened to the ghost protocol, whatever they had in that train was their only option, but apparently somewhere in the world they were hiding a $5 million dollar car.

Why is the Russian guy the only one going after them?  They are Ghost Protocol, shouldn't every secret world major force be coming for them, tracking them down, and bringing them to justice.  That would make a 2000% better movie.  50 super agents hunting them down around the world.  They blew up the Kremlin, probably be listed as one of the world's worst terrorist acts, but you just got one worn out detective on your tail, fuck that noise. 

They made Jeremy Renner think it was his fault that Ethan's wife was dead.  Pretty much the whole movie.  I think he revealed it when they were having drinks in the end.  Was it just me or did I remember hearing something about Jeremy Renner being some kind of double agent?

Ving Rhames is in it, in the last 2 minutes drinking dos equis, spoiler. After all this I guess I just can't enjoy movies anymore.

PS.  They should have let the nuclear bomb explode and add 20 more minutes of ending where he still catches some other bad guy as a result he has to live with the fact that they didn't accomplish their mission because this time it was impossible.

PPS the 8 minutes of Batman was worth it though

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Called...

on Saturday, December 24, 2011



...it wants is their scene back. That is unless Zales and Fox Searchlight came to some agreement because Zales was really pushing to use that part where after Elijah Wood mentally raped that chick, he gave her the present that he stole from Jim Carrey, how sweet.

The Most Fucked Up Movie of the Year Award (Based Only on Trailers so far)

on Monday, December 12, 2011

Melancolia


Take Shelter


Don't be Afraid of the Dark


We Need to Talk About Kevin


Insidious


I actually saw this one since it's on Netflix.  The ending was just like a nightmare. There was so much in the movie it's like you are in a haunted house, and the only thing that can save you is classic rock.

The year just seemed to have a lot of movies that were very cerebral movies, ones that seemed a little off and able to get under skin for awhile. Muted is a good word to define this year.

I don't know, winner is...We need to talk to kevin.  That trailer is weird.